Image - Book Cover by Charles Memminger. Courtesy of publisher.
Today I would like to share with you my compilation of short true stories that took place at the Restaurant X on the course of the last year. None of them deserves enough attention to stand out and shine on its own, but hopefully at least one of them will make you smile or even laugh…
Complainers
1) I waited on ridiculously annoying old people the other day. First they complained that steaming coffee wasn’t hot enough for them. The one of them followed me to the bar on his crotches to make sure that bartender is pouring enough bourbon in his Manhattan. The highlight of their dining experience was to send back a screwdriver (vodka/oj). Why? Because the color of orange juice was not orange…it was yellow!!!
2) My food runner tried to serve Spaghetti Bolognese to a wrong table, but quickly recovered. The plate didn’t even touch the table. Unfortunately a guest who ordered spaghetti at the nearby table observed the whole process with pure hatred on his red face. He was staring at his plate all the time trying to hypnotize it, but he never made a contact with it. Every single time I checked on him he said everything was “ok”. In the end of the meal he was looking so miserably like his relative has died, but when I asked one more time if anything was wrong, he jerked : “NOTHING!” I offered to take away the plate and pack it to go – he refused the offer. A few minutes later he asked for a check in a surprisingly calm voice, but his face read willingness to see me on the death raw. I guess a BIG FAT zero tip was hardly a punishment to compensate for his ruined day. Credit to the food runner.
Tippers
1) My friend, Jeff, the bartender was laughing telling me this. Although he got stiffed on $80 check. A couple of Italians were ecstatic about “De-li-ci-o-oo-us Mojitoes” – each of them had three rounds. Mojitoes usually make the list of the most “pain-in-the-ass” drinks to make. When finally Jeff said “Arivederci!” to the happy tourists, instead of a tip he discovered a bus transfer next to check presenter. The transfer was expired…
2) Ghetto kids had a lunch celebration at our place. One of them just turned 21; he ordered a round of beers first happily flashing his ID in my face. A few minutes after birthday boy asked for champagne telling his buddy:”Yo Bro, we gonna put it on Facebook… Popping champagne and shit…”When I brought them a set up to crack Alaskan King Crab Legs, which they obviously never had before, kids thought that crab cracking tools and a steak knife are there for them to act the episode from SAW 3. I had to calm them down as guests at the neighboring table began to complain. I couldn’t help myself laughing when I saw one of them trying to get through the spiky crab shell with his teeth. My professional demonstration on how to use cracking tools definitely saved his gums from bleeding for which I was rewarded with a $5 tip. Should I mention that the check was $180?
Sometimes it feels like a war, them against us. Imagine - Saturday night and a waitlist; horde of angry customers demanding food and satisfaction. It is one of those days when half of the staff called in sick , plus you have the worst busser who “doesn’t get it” after a month of training.
How to save precious time at the table? How to spread out your attention equally, so nobody gets left out besides assholes who deserve it? I found the following script or “canned presentation” extremely useful when you physically and mentally cannot spend sufficient amount of time at the table.
1. If you cannot get to table right away, simply pass by, smile – eye contact- and say “I will be right with you”.
2. Approach the table. Smile, but look determined.
Me (M) - How are you today?
Guest (G) – Good. (They will most likely : “how are you?”)
M – Wonderful. Can I start you off with a cocktail or glass of wine? We have a full bar.
(This line is great, because you are pushing alcohol and giving them information of the bet. It prevents stupid questions like “What do you have?” They order or tell you that they need more time to look over the wine list. If they do so, it means they are not in such a rush. If they order drinks right away – offer two signature appetizers to choose from)
3. Come back with drinks and ask them if they have any questions about the menu. You want to have control over the time when you can answer questions, you definitely don’t want to be stopped in the middle of rush to explain the special or elaborate on vegetarian options. If somebody snaps at you or raises a hand to get your attention, NEVER stop at this table before you are done with your previous task. Otherwise, your will loose your focus and the mistakes will follow.
4. Always have two dishes to recommend and make sure that the way you describe them sells. E.g.
Bad: Mahi Mahi is really good today. It is served with rice and vegetables.
Good: Our pan seared Mahi Mahi is SOO delicious. It is topped with a homemade orange buerre blanc and served on the bed of wild rice pilaf and fresh garden mixed vegetables. (pause) Will be perfect with your glass of Chardannay.
5. If a customer is indecisive and stares at the menu for more than 20 sec without saying a word, don’t be afraid to tell in a friendly manner : “Let me give you a couple of more minutes to make your choice”, then move on to another table
6. Learn to say NO. Some special requests are easy, some difficult and some impossible. Know exactly what kitchen can and what it cannot do, especially when it is slammed.
7. Use your floor manager to help present and open wine or entertain guests while you’re in the weeds. That’s what he’s getting paid for, not for standing around.. lazy ass 
8. Offer desserts, but have you check ready. People rarely order dessert during a rush hour. The best way to ruin a perfect dining experience is to drop off dessert menu and forget about the table for 15 minutes, when all they want is a check. This often results in at least 5% lower tip from my experience.
Finally, remember, no matter what you do always keep your cool. If you dropped a plate in the middle of dining area or spilled a glass of red wine close to the most scandalous person in the restaurant, apologize first, but then make it clear that it is not a big deal. Shit happens. If you start kissing your customer feet saying how sorry you are, they will take full advantage of this situation and will ask to comp their dinner. Avoid this trap!
Sometimes you just simply cannot handle it and its nobody’s fault. If it comes to this point, you just do your best, but hopefully this little secrets will help decrease crazy moments at work. Waiter doesn’t have to make a list of the most stressful jobs. It is lots of FUN…Really!
Once me and my buddy stopped by for a quickie dinner @ Reno local casino café – everything else was closed and this nasty place still had a line. Place smelled of disgust and unholliness and a middle-aged hostess kept smiling at us frequently. I clearly remember that because she was missing a middle tooth. We were finally seated at the dirty table and a busboy with greasy hair didn’t bother to clean our table for another ten minutes. We debated for while on what is safe to eat in the place like that and settled down on seafood linguine, burger, and spinach-chicken dip for appetizer. Bad choice…
Our waitress moved chaotically from table to table dripping sweat. How did we know that she was ours before she even approached our table? Just because she was the only waitress in the dining room full of desperate and hungry people. We pushed menus aside and silently watched her nervously jumping from table to table like a yo-yo. Finally, she came close to us and her first words were not: “How are you?”, not even “Good evening!” She gave us a hateful look and spited: “So, what do you want?” We ordered.
The best part of our dinner was a flask of cognac we brought with us not that I am picky or expect a lot from cafeteria. Terrible food, however, was easy to forget; shocking service still haunts my dreams. She never ever checked on us, she forgot everything she could forget, including our check. When we were finally able to flag a busboy and ask him to call our waitress, she came over and asked if anything was wrong. We looked at our half-empty dirty plates, which we thoughtfully stacked on the table and said that everything was excellent. We just wanted our check and to get the f…. out of this trashy place. She was patiently waiting and looking over my shoulder while I was scribbling a 15% tip. The only time she smiled was when she saw the tip. Apparently, 15% tip was a rare accomplishment for her. She was so grateful that she even came back to the table and said: “I will check back on you later.” Both of us simultaneously thought: “Please, don’t”.
It was one of the worst and funniest dining experiences in my life. Was I mad at our waitress? Not at all. Although I am thousand miles far from being the best waiter in the world, she made me feel better about my skills
Some of my friends after listening to this story argued that I shouldn’t have left her a tip at all. What do you think?
Recently I’ve read one of Google’s most highly ranked hospitality article by Bruce Buschel, “100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do” . The author occasionally blogs in NY Times section dedicated to small business. Excellent writer, I give him that, but some of the points made, uncover his ignorance detachment from the service industry. Let me comment on some of his faulty “rules” which I placed under the following categories: “common sense”, “optional” and simply “wrong”.
1. Common Sense – It shouldn’t be written about, because it is well-known and being followed by every restaurant employee, who is not a complete idiot.
Rule #16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.
Like anybody does!? If you’re pouring an extra sauce on somebody’s food you shouldn’t be working in a restaurant. You must be locked in a mental institution and shouldn’t be anywhere close to the food. It’s just a common sense.
2. Optional – it really depends on situation and behavior of the guest. Sometimes stepping away from the rule is inappropriate, sometimes it is highly encouraged.
Rule #7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.
Although I usually don’t introduce myself, at least not during our first interaction, I like to leave that privilege for myself to decide. Depending on the guest I might throw a joke or two – it’s not a crime.
Rule #41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.
It also goes the other way. I somebody asks: “Can I have some extra dressing for my salad?” “My pleasure” – would suck.
3.Wrong – My experience tells me that this rules should never be followed. Under no circumstances.
Rule # 32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.
Absolutely missed here. Friendly tap on the shoulder works amazingly great. I read it in my first waiter’s manual from Susie Ross and thanks to this invaluable advice my ROI from guests went to the roof. Nobody complained ever.
The list goes on and on… So, check out the link and find this boring bunch of useless amendments, which might help a rookie restaurateur or server to make his first steps. They only useful tip that I found for myself is rule #23 If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc. This, actually, might work.
Bruce anticipates criticism of his rules by making a point that “if 100 different actors play Hamlet, hitting all the same marks, reciting all the same lines, cannot each one bring something unique to that role?” Yes, of course. However, often used comparison of waiting on a table and playing a role on stage is only appropriate when the play is unscripted. There’s a huge difference between dialog and monolog and there is more interaction between a waiter and a customer, than between an actor and a spectator. Why not offering the lobsters to somebody you feel might enjoy them? Why not joke or flirt a bit when a guest in a mood to talk? Why not to compliment a customer choice?
I would do all of the above depending rapport established between me and guests. When you’re in the business for many years, THERE IS NO RULES. There is only professionalism, common sense and a customer who most of the times deserves to have an enjoyable dinner.
Racist brain via Inspiration Room
It is often discouraging to work at the tourist place or tourist trap mostly because it doesn’t attract regular customers. Sometimes it is fortunate to work at the tourist place or trap for the same reason. From my experience half of the regulars are lunatics; once in a while you will come across of particular nutcase that will be remembered for the rest of your life if won’t be a part of your worst nightmares.
Let’s call him Asian dude. He looks about sixty five, but I won’t be surprised to find out that he’s eighty. You know how Japanese people exploit rice and seafood to their rejuvenating advantage. How do I know he’s Japanese? Well, that’s what he confessed to one of my co-workers, Dan, a German looking gay-bear-type waiter. “Are you from the South?” – he asked Dan. The reason why he asked that question instead of inquiring on the restaurant specialties remained a mystery until he requested that EVERYTHING BLACK will be removed from the table including black pepper shaker, black straw for his sprite and black basket for the bread. He also put a white sheet of paper under his butt so he won’t be sitting on blackish leather chair. Oh, did I mentioned that he was dressed in all white from his socks to his dyed freaky hair. He would order Chicken Alfredo or Ceacer salad with chicken. NO PEPPER. He would complain on our black aprons and , of course, if he would sense dark-skinned mexican busboys within five feet from his table, the tip he normally leaves decreases from 10% to 1%.
He got banned from all of the neighborhood eateries with the exception of restaurant X. Once, however, he showed up in particularly cheerful mood and asked for all the waiters to line-up like in massage parlor… The host politely asked him to get the fuck out and we missed him for about year. I owe the inspiration for this blog entry to his latest visit a few days ago; he told me about black construction workers drilling a hole right next to his apartment. It must be a conspiracy.
If still alive Winston Churchill would be ashamed of his fellow countrymen tipping 10%.
Those of you fortunate to work in so-called tourist traps feel my pain. Their grim faces ring the first bell, but what really scares the shit out of me and my co-workers is : “Lovely!!!” That’s is what they are usually reply on : “How are you doing today?” British, Scotish, Irish, Australian and Kiwis – most of the time you’ll be lucky to get 10% from these lovely people.
Do not get me wrong, I am originally from Europe myself, and I don’t have anything against them. They’re always prompt, polite and classy they will order good wine. The biggest challenge is to unobtrusively remind them that gratuity is not included. The key is not to offend them, but rather draw sympathy. There three are proven strategies on how you can make them tip, but there’s always a warm-up stage or ground work that needs to be executed prior to the close-up.
First of all ask : “Where are they from?” And if it is their first time visiting this “lovely” city. It’s highly encouraged to use their lexicon without trying to imitate their accent. If they tell you that they’ve been to New York / LA/ San Francisco many times, there’s a big chance they’re accustomed to leaving a tip. If they say it’s their first time don’t panic right away. There’s a huge opportunity to befriend them by exposing the local sightseeings and discounted shopping places that normally only locals would know. You can also pretend to be a Manchester United fan and tell them you had the best Fish and Chips back in Glasgow. However, the most important part comes in the end when you have to present a check. If you’re 100% sure that your customer are visiting from Australia or Europe, don’t hesitate to present them a tip card in the end of the meal.
Reads and Tells – You’re from Europe/Australia/New Zeeland if you :
- Ask for a bill or sometimes receipt instead of check
- Paranoid of credit card fraud and want to go with you to a POS (computer where you process the payment)
- Order Shandee – ½ soda ½ Beer
- “Cheers,mate!” is your favorite expression, besides “Lovely!” of course.
- Have complete meal 3 course meal and afterdinner drink
- Order Grappa for afterdinner drink
It is so easy to make your waiter fall in love with you, but many prefer otherwise. This guide, although incomplete, will partially transform ignorant guests to somewhat nice ones.
- When your waiter comes over and greets you, smile at him/her and say: “Hi”. Simple as that. Do not overdo with friendliness, no crazy smiles. You will be surprised to find out how many guests just ignore you or give you a brainless look. Some of them are so scared to dine in the restaurant, so they prefer not to look at the waiter at all.
- Do not ask stupid questions such as: “What do you have?” “Do you have steak?” etc., or questions that make you look cheap: “How much is the beer?” “Do you serve free bread?” “Does it come with soup and salad?” Not only these questions diminish your value as a respectable customer and human being, but they also take time to answer. Remember, for the restaurant business workers time is everything. This leads us to
- Try to save time for your server. Besides unnecessary questions, this rule applies to indecisive guests, who take more than 15 minutes to order. If you’re one of those, please, let you server know that you would like to take your time and preferable enjoy a cocktail rather than a glass of tap water.
- Do not create your own menu. You might like you baked potato sprinkled with bacon and cheddar , but if that’s not an option in the menu, please, avoid modifying. Of course, some substitutions could be easy and if it is not a rush hour, you waiter will be more than happy to switch some side dishes or add mushrooms on your filet mignon. But keep in mind that it takes additional time and requires an extra effort.
- Keep your table neat and don’t eat like a pig. The worst customers are those who ask for bread before they order and shake over breadcrumbs all over the menus. The best are the ones who move aside dirty plates and silverware to make it easier for a waiter or busser to remove them.
- Try not to get too personal with your waiter -this one, of course, goes both ways. If you can’t suppress you urge to ask for your waiter’s name and where is he from, do it in a friendly manner, but never to yell his name every time he’s passing by.
“WE KNOW THE ASSHOLE WHEN WE SEE ONE” 
As a bonus here’s one of my favorite videos from You Tube’s waiter celebrity YourDailyTip.
Many establishments foolishly assume that providing the lowest prices will inevitably attract the regulars and make them stay. However, besides premium tequila there are several more components of the perfect margarita. Small details will come into play and will ultimately decide which place will be more populated on Tuesday night. When I go out I take notice of the staff demeanor, ambiance and finally quality of the drinks or food. Does it mean that the price is not important? Of course, not. However, given our everlasting recession, I suggest that sooner than later prices will become less of differentiator as EVERY SINGLE hospitality business, from burger joint to the most spectacular fine-dining venue, will have to start charging less to compete for scarce customers. This is especially true in regards to non-traditional hours and slow seasons. So, let’s spend some time on the secondary ingredients which will satisfy or disgust your potential customers.
Today we will focus on staff demeanor and more importantly on the dynamics of interaction between a service industry employee and a customer.
It doesn’t matter where you work, how good your food or drinks are, if you have a shitty bartender or server with attitude you will lose. Many business owners are confused in prioritizing professional qualities of their staff. They believe that besides service knowledge, all you need is a friendly attitude. From my experience, the one most important quality of any hospitality industry employee is ability to read a customer. It’s almost like poker. When you see a couple having a romantic dinner or wine at the bar, you don’t want to bother them with your jokes and tricks. How do you know if they need some attention? Believe me, they will tell you or will give you a sign. On the other hand, a single guy who comes to a bar and orders vodka on the rocks most likely needs some attention. The key to the game is never to be rude and annoying and to enjoy people’s company.
A few days ago, me and my buddy decided to discuss our new project over a few beers at the first bar we could find. It was happy hour, of course, and drafts were around $3.50. It was busy; we couldn’t get a table, so we had to seat by the bar and a middle-aged hippy bartender assumed that entertaining us was his duty. Unfortunately, his jokes were disaster and he never bothered to take notice that we were trying to have a private conversation. You might say that we shouldn’t go to the bar for a business meeting, especially, during the happy hour, and you’re right – I won’t, probably do it again. But my point is that the simple skill of reading a customer and anticipating his needs is extremely underrated and should be paid more attention while training your staff.
This story is a part of the series reflecting on crazy regular customers who dine alone. I’ve published it already on Tumblr (http://www.tumblr.com/tumblelog/greygoose). With the exception of the character’s names this story is 100% real.
Billy is about eighty years old and every other afternoon he likes to visit the restaurant X. for an early dinner. He always prefers an enormous table by the window which normally sits six and orders a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc with some clam chowder. I’ve never seen somebody consuming the wine so fast. When I used to work at the wine bar me and my buddy had shots of Zinfandel while the boss was in the storage room, but Billy was quicker than us – it was needless to bring him an ice bucket – by the time you come back with it he kills the bottle. He has a reputation of a kind-hearted alcoholic who prefers to be left alone. He doesn’t bother you and even leaves twenty percent tip on the regular basis; it sucks, however, that he stays for about three hours on average and you cannot turn a table.
Once in the beginning of my shift at about 4pm I spotted Bill dozing at his favorite table by the window. He was done with his meal and wine altogether but apparently wasn’t in a rush to leave the restaurant. My friend Jenny, a super-friendly Chinese waitress, informed me that the guy destroyed a bottle and two glasses of wine during the lunch and was “taking a break”. I didn’t mind until he started snoring laud enough to attract the attention of nearby guests. I approached and asked if everything was ok and he waived at me. It looked like he was saying good bye to me and to his miserable life. I’ve decided that letting him die by the table is not such a good idea so I called the manager. By the time manager on duty arrived, Billy fell asleep once again masterfully using his walking cane as a pillow. As we managed to bring him back to life with a help of gentle slaps in his face, he started yelling all of the sudden: “Where is my soup!!!” I swear god, he never ordered anything from me and that’s what I told to the manager. We politely asked poor guy to leave the restaurant premises, but he refused threatening to file a claim. Finally we kicked him out and on the way out he was floating through the dining-room screaming that he will never come back… Next day he was sitting at the same table ordering Sauvignon Blanc once again. Eventually we got rid of him by introducing a two-glasses-of- wine-rule which was impossible for him to stomach. I like to believe that we saved Billy a couple of years of life.
Gary Vaynerchuck is one of a few social media idols that I have. I have never met him, but I am proud that he originates from the very same post-communist Belarus I was lucky to be born in. I spotted him a few years ago and really loved his show, but I never thought that he will grow that that BIG. 90K views on average for a episode and this is in spite of his geeky haircut! Unbelievable!!! Below is the video that inspired me to buy his book and further below are the main takeaways from the book. Please, excuse my briefness, but I have a party to attend to tonight…
For the full video you can visit one of my fav “smart” video sites FORA.tv
Gary V CrushIt!
Quotes:
On Twitter – “Many people do want to know all the details about what you’re doing, they just don’t want to admit it.” (68) “It doesn’t matter if you think it is stupid., it’s free communication” (71) on YouTube – “It’s not about how many users you have, it’s about how passionate they are.” (80)
Sources to check out:
Chris Brogan – “50 ideas on using Twitter for business”
www.moo.com – custom business cards
www.viddler.com – smaller YouTube
www.upstream.tv – live execution
www.ping.fm – distributes the update to over 30 social networking sites.
www.tubemogul.com – video sharing tool
Recommended Blogs:
ReadWriteWeb, GigaOm, SocialTimes, SomeWhatFrank
GV – marketing strategy (!!!)
1. Buy domain name
2. Open Tumblr or WordPress
3. Hire Web Designer
4. Facebook Fan Page
5. Ping.fm and TubeMogul
6. Twitter search – engage
7. Blog outreach – comment (name) search.
8. Join Facebook Groups and Fan Pages
9. Do it all over
Whoa-la!!! I just saved you $20 on the book! Just kidding. There’s a way more to the book than my short and lousy summary. However, this highly inspirational book reads in less than 3 hr and if you’re good in taking notes there is no need in buying it. Barnes & Nobles is the answer;)
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